Today’s guest is so sexy and so yummy. I’m so excited for you guys to get to experience her. Her name is Kelcy Valletta, and she is the founder of Find Your Sexy. Kelsey is a certified self-love and sexy coach and is the host of her own podcast, Find your sexy. Kelsey believes that self-esteem and happiness are directly affected by our relationship with our bodies and our self-awareness mindset.
Through Kelcy are dynamic coaching and intimate conversations with podcast guests. Like me, Kelsey helps women embrace who they are just as they are now. So they can walk through life feeling sexier in their own skin. And honestly, who doesn’t want to feel sexier in their own skin? All women are sexy, and self-love is rad. And those are two things that should be celebrated every single day. And that is something beautiful that Kelcey Valletta screams from the rooftops.
So Kelsey and I did something a little bit different. We did a dual podcasting episode, and we talked about so many good things, like how we aren’t supposed to live inside a box. You guys know I always say that. We are not one thing. We are all the things. We both had a conversation about how we arrived at our own places of self-love. We also talked about how we figured out how to step into our unique power, how she and I have both completely rebuked self-negative talk. We also talk about different tools that we use to push through triggers when feeling ourselves backsliding.
We close out on how we are sexy single women who are trying to date like-minded men. And if you are in the single dating game, you know what a feat that is. If you’re not, God bless you. So, I hope you guys love this episode. I adore Kelcey. I know that you all will too. You can find her At www.findyoursexy.co. You can find her @kelcyvalletta on Instagram.
REGINA: Your whole brand and business are around self-love and helping women find their sexy, and I feel like in my brand, All The Things, that’s a huge thing. We can be all the things, and that includes being sexy and lovable.
KELCY: Yeah. And I love that you always. I love that your podcast is all the things, and you always talk about how you can be all the things. Because something that you know, I’m always preaching to people, and it’s like something that just is like a fire inside of me because we are not meant to live inside the box. We are allowed to be more than one thing. So I love that this is the topic of conversation. And you bring awareness to this all the time because it’s like we are complex human beings, we can be more than one thing, and we can celebrate all those different sides to us every day. So, yeah, we’re just going to have a conversation about all the things, which I love.
REGINA: How did you get to this place in your life where you’re like, I love myself, and I’m fucking sexy, and I’m going to own that.
KELCY: Yes. It’s just living life. And I think a lot of it is getting older. And I can only speak from the perspective of being a woman, right? But I think as you get to know yourself as you get older and start to accept who you are and your body, you learn to appreciate it. There were three major points in my life that taught me the importance of self-love in different ways. First, when I was a teenager, I had an eating disorder. And it didn’t come from this place of “I hate my body.” It came from a place of, I want to be healthy and fit. And to be healthy meant fit and in shape. And I was 13 years old; I didn’t know what that meant how to get there. And I grew up with a dad who was a bodybuilder. So to me, I knew that that was my perception of healthy: in shape, muscles. So I remember like, Look, I would look in the mirror at my stomach and be like, Okay, I need to get abs. Well, abs are made in the kitchen because that’s what you always hear. So I’m like, I can’t eat cookies anymore. So I started limiting myself as a 13-year-old, you know, young girl. And I remember being at school, and my friends would be getting their lunches and having cookies. And I’d be like, No, I have an apple. Very limiting, very unhealthy, But at the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. And it was terrible. I got very, very thin. And of course, my family was very worried. And I had to go and see a nutritionist and the whole thing, and I got better on the outside. And I say on the outside because I looked healthier. I gained weight. But years later, that eating disorder resurfaced again because I didn’t deal with my reasons why I like to call them, my reasons why this is even happening in the first place. And I had to learn to become healthy and happy. And I had to learn to appreciate my body for what it could do. And look at all the things that I loved and practice that rather than look at everything that I didn’t like. So that was a big turning point for me. And then I’ll just quickly go through this because I feel like I could go on and on. Like a lot of us, I feel like I have past lives. I don’t mean like before it was born. I guess I should rephrase that, up until about Four years ago, I feel like I was a completely different person. I was going to be an actor. Since the time I was five years old. I loved acting; I was going to be an actor, I was going to work in the film industry, there was no plan B like that was what I was going to do. So, I went to acting classes; I went to school for filmmaking, I moved to LA right after college. That was my life. I lived and breathed it. And that was so hard for me because I felt like I wanted to do it all. Talking about all the things right? I have always been this way. But I didn’t just want to act like I wanted to act. But I also wanted to direct films; I wanted to write movies. I wanted to do everything. And that doesn’t fly. In Hollywood, unless you were already someone huge. You can do whatever the hell you want. But you kind of had to pick one thing, and I didn’t like that. And also, especially as a female in Hollywood, you have to fit inside this box of what they want to even get representation to book jobs. And I just remember feeling so stifle. I remember feeling like I couldn’t change my hair on a whim if I wanted. It was so tough, and I didn’t like it. So eventually, it was like I woke up one day, and I was like, I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m living my life in this box. I feel like I can’t express myself, I feel so limited and what I’m able to achieve and how I’m able to get to know myself because I’m spending so much time working on being a better actor a better writer this that for, Hollywood to feel like I’m worthy. Who am I really? So it was rough.
I fell into a depression. Thinking. What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Like, this was what my plan was. I really had to be patient with myself and really figure out what made me happy again. And it was kind of a blessing in disguise because I was able to really dig deep. And I kind of needed that at that moment to really dig deep and rediscover who I was because, at this point, I was in my early to mid-20s. Like who am I now? What makes me happy? What makes me feel fulfilled? At that point, I wasn’t interested if I didn’t feel fulfilled, you know? So that was a huge moment for me. And at the time, I was dating somebody, and I moved back to Arizona because I was from here originally. I thought I don’t want to be in LA anymore. If I don’t have a reason because I’m not going to be working in this industry, I don’t think it will fulfill me. So I moved back to Arizona. I was in a relationship that ended up being toxic. And that was the final thing for me that really forced me to commit to self-love because it got to a point where I realized I’m the only one who’s going to pull me through this. If I don’t remind myself why I’m worthy and enough and what is special about me, like, I’m, I’m never going to make it out of this relationship, I’m going to entirely lose my voice, and I’m going to fully lose who I am. And that was the final thing that made me realize how powerful number one– your mindset is, and how special life can be and how much things can change when we really really commit to self-love and make it a priority. So once I got out of that relationship, there was no turning back. I was like, okay, self-love, everyone needs to understand the importance of it. And you know, when it comes to the sexual piece of things, I do believe all women are sexy. I say that all the time. All women are sexy; we’re sexy, just the way we are. We shouldn’t feel like we have to change something. And that is my goal.
I want every woman to feel sexy in their own skin. But we can’t do that without first prioritizing self-love and creating a strong foundation and having practices in place to keep that foundation strong because we’re going to have bad days. Of course, none of us are perfect. Just life and experiences that we all have along the way. This helps us remind how strong we can be and how unique and special we are, hopefully. So that’s kind of where I got to where I am today, with this being my focus. And, I’m not looking back.
Years ago, when I was stuck and felt lost and thinking, “What am I supposed to be doing with my life now?” It all makes sense now. This is where it was all leading me. This is what I was meant to do. Help women nurture self-love to feel sexier in their own skin.
REGINA: What a journey man.
KELCY: I know. It’s crazy. So I know. And I have to ask you because I asked everybody this. When were the first time and I know you have? We’ll get to your story too. Because I know you have had a big change in what you’re doing with your life. But when was the first time you ever remember feeling sexy? And what did it mean to you at that moment?
REGINA: When do I first remember feeling sexy? I guess there are different versions of what sexy meant to me throughout my life. So like, I had a super rigorous academic background and accomplished things that my intelligence is the basis of how I felt sexy for a lot of my life. Also, like I was a really like, not like, physically cute teenager. Like, it just is a fact. I was so awkward. And I had to grow into my face. So my intelligence was the thing that when I was praised for, that’s what made me feel really sexy. And even now, if a guy is like, “Oh, God, you’re so smart.” I’m like, “say more… keep talking dirty to me.” I love that. So that’s when I really started to feel sexy in that part of my life, but then it was in late college, like right after college when I really started to step into myself and my body and like accepting and owning who I was. And like, this is what your body looks like, girl. That’s when I started thinking, “how do I embrace and love myself as I am?? That’s when I really started to feel sexy and feel confident. But it has always been a combination of stepping into my power and stepping into who I am called to be that enables me to feel like the most powerful and sexy as a woman.
KELCY: I love that. So how did you step into your power? What helps you do that?
REGINA: Like you, I had a really interesting journey with my self-love and my sexuality. I dabbled with an eating disorder as a kid, and I was a girl who, when I went through puberty, all of a sudden, had a tiny waist, no boobs, and like an ass like JLo. And it wasn’t cool when I was a teenager to have that body type. And so I remember going through puberty and feeling like, Oh my god, how am I stuck in this body? And so that started a lot of self-loathing for my body that went from the time I was 12 years old, all the way up through my late 20s or mid to late 20s. And during that time, a lot of things went on in my life. I went away to college. And then, I went to law school, and I did all of these different things and started to develop myself as a person, intellectually at least. And I was in relationships. And I was engaged to a guy when I was in law school, and then I had a partner for five years. And so much of my self-worth was defined by the partnerships that I was in. And I remember trying to get out, you know, we’re trying to get out of a relationship, and you’re clawing out, but you’re like, “Well, what if nobody else loves me? What if this is the best it’s going to be?” And working through like those breakups and being single. And coming back to center and realizing I had been spending a whole life trying to gain love from other people. And everything I needed was inside of myself, but I had to learn that. So during my journey, I went to law school, I started practicing law, which was my value. I’m smart girl, I’m a lawyer blah blah blah, and I remember when I started Practicing. I wasn’t fulfilled by what I was doing. And I remember specifically I was a trial attorney in my early career. That’s all I wanted to be, a trial attorney once I went to law school. And I remember I had my first trial, I was a few months into practice. And the jury came out and found a verdict in our favor. And I felt nothing. And I remember thinking, shouldn’t it feel better than this? Like, you have worked so hard to get to this moment. And I remember that feeling, but I just kind of kept trucking along.
And then six years later, I’m in my fancy job. And my Louboutins in my office, and I end up having this epic breakdown, panic attack on the floor of my office and a pencil skirt and a pair of Louboutins. And I just laid there and cried. And I was like, “What the fuck are you doing with your life? You are so bitterly unhappy, you have the job, you have the partner, you want to have all the things, but you are so unfulfilled. And I didn’t know what the answer was. But I knew that no matter what, I have to figure out how to change my life. Life doesn’t have to be this hard. Do you have those moments of knowing? Where you’re like, “I don’t know how I’m going to do this. But it has to happen. It’s like a God moment. It’s like a higher power moment. And so that started me on this huge self-development journey. And the first thing that I addressed on my self-development journey was stress and anxiety. And the way that I started to overcome my stress and anxiety was, This is a habit and behavior that I can change. I can change the way I respond to situations. And so that led me down the road of how do we talk to ourselves, because the words that we say, and the thoughts that we think affect the outcome of our lives.
So then I started to develop this new relationship with myself. And it was through that, that I made a decision. You will only speak greatness into yourself. You will only speak and look at yourself with the utmost amount of love like you would look at a lover like you would look at a best friend, and you will go on this intimate relationship with yourself and your soul. And so I just started like one thought and one sentence at a time, and I would do something, and I’m like, Oh my God, you’re so dumb. I’m like, No, you’re not dumb. That wasn’t the best life decision you’ve ever made. However, you are not dumb. You are brilliant. You are beautiful. You are powerful. And I started to just change it. And it was like a boot camp. I put myself through every thought, every sentence, and I would hear myself, and I would even hear phrases that I would say jokingly to people like “Oh my god, I’m such a hot mess.” “I’m so this; I’m so that.” Because I’m very sarcastic, I’m going to ask, and then the subconscious mind doesn’t know sarcasm. The body doesn’t understand sarcasm.
KELCY: But you’re thinking, “If I say this with sarcasm, then it’s not true.” It’s like a joke, but your mind still believes it.
REGINA: Yeah. So I started to change how I talked to myself, what I thought about myself, and how I spoke about myself to other people. And that created this whole domino effect of how, how much I love myself. And then that self-development journey really caused me to go on a spiritual journey, I believe that I have a soul inside this human vessel. And that soul is so fucking valuable and so precious. And I’m always going to honor that. And once I started to do that, I saw not only how it changed me as a woman and inside of myself, but I saw energetically how it changed what I was attracting into my life. The type of men that were showing up in my life, the type of beautiful, intimate relationships with women showing up in friendship in my life. So that’s kind of how my self-love journey went from feeling really stuck in this body that I wasn’t in love with to now really honoring and loving who I am and how I show up and everything coming from my life.
KELCY: That’s amazing. So how long has it been since you started committing to living your life this way? How long has it been since you were like, “No more negativity. I’m only talking to myself with the utmost love and respect.”
REGINA: Four years. That’s when I was 30 years old. Or I was just turning 30. I had a breakdown on my office floor. And that’s when everything changed. I decided to change my life. I hired a coach that I worked with one on one for three years or two and a half years and but it’s been four years of this like consistency.
KELCY: And I’m sure it was not easy at first. It’s not easy. It’s uncomfortable. And sometimes I will sit and think like, “Why? Why do I allow myself to have these negative thoughts if I know it’s not good for me? But that’s the easy thing, and the easy thing would have been for you to stay at your job because you’ve worked so hard for it and keep doing it, you would have success, that was proven. And just keep living your life. And if negative thoughts come, I think that’s how the majority of people go through life because it’s hard to have the courage to make that change. And to be consistent. The hardest thing is to be consistent with your mindset.
REGINA: You have to have an awakening; you have to have some sort of conscious awakening, where you realize that things can be different. And then you have to start to implement the changes. And I think a lot of times as humans, we do this thing where we want to change, and we decide we’re going to go balls to the wall. It’s like the New Year’s Day phenomenon. I truly believe that on January 1 of every year, people have the most beautiful intention. The problem is that we’re like, “I’m gonna change my whole life this year.” And we don’t take it one moment at a time. And also, when I think about how I changed, it was literally one thought at a time, one moment at a time. And I think a lot of times, like, we just don’t, it takes discipline, it takes consistency, it takes commitment to self like, it’s not easy. When I started this journey, I was trying to undo 30 years of conditioning, and the first 10 of that is the deepest conditioning period of our life, you know?
KELCY: Absolutely. And I like that you kind of touched on this when you were sharing your story. You had said something along the lines of looking to outside relationships to validate you or give you that love. And it takes work and consistency to get to the point where you realize that it all comes from within you. That’s all that you need is what you can give to yourself. And it’s so fulfilling once you get there. And once you realize it, it’s not like it ends. It’s not like you get to to a destination. And it’s like, “Okay, I’m here. Now I’m at the place of self-love.” Like, let’s just kick back and relax. You start to put in the work every day. It’s like, you’re investing your time back into yourself. So you can have the life that you want, right? Why else are we here on this planet? Are we going to walk through life just doing what society tells us? Being the person society tells us that we should be like? No, we have this beautiful, unique soul for a reason. Let’s celebrate her, let her express herself fully. And it takes consistency, and it takes work, but it’s so worth it. It’s so worth it.
REGINA: Totally. And something that you just said, I have an idea what you’re going to say about this. If we get to a place where I have such a deep love of self. We’re always triggered, we’re always brought back like, and I find whenever we get to that point where we’re like, “I’m doing fucking great.” That’s when the biggest life lessons and triggers come up. But part of the journey is that we learn the modalities or the things that help us come back to center. So like for you, when you’re triggered in moments where you do not love yourself to your fullest potential, or you’re backsliding a little bit, what are the things that trigger you? And then what are the things that help you?
KELCY: Okay, there are a couple of things that are coming up for me right now. So, like the things that trigger me, is like when imposter syndrome comes up. That’s the toughest one. I’m in such a transitional point in my entire life right now that I’m pushing myself outside of my comfort zone a lot, which is great because that’s what I need to do to move on to this next stage of life and to accomplish goals. But it shows up, and it’s tough, and I’m trying hard not to compare myself to other people. Those would be the most significant triggers that come up for me. There are a couple of things that I do. First of all, I do simple practices in my day-to-day routine, and one of them is mirror work. So I do have little notes that I leave myself in my mirror. And for me specifically, it’s things that I think are sexy about me. I have physical traits that I think are sexy as reminders and character traits that I think are sexy as reminders. And I make sure that when I’m feeling rundown, when I’m feeling that imposter syndrome kick in, whenever I’ve just had an off day, I take time to look at myself in the mirror into my eyes like it’s uncomfortable at first. And I will tell myself out loud what I’m doing right, what I love about myself, what makes me unique, and just give myself that little pep talk. And it helps me kind of take a moment to connect with myself again.
The other ones I will say have come up big in my life the past year. One of them is Angel numbers. And I don’t know what your experience with this is, but I didn’t grow up religious at all. That was not a part of my upbringing. So I’ve never practiced or followed any religion, but I’ve always considered myself spiritual. I’m open to different beliefs, and I think that there are signs that are given to us when we need them. And I found myself in the most significant transitional points of my life, turning to faith more, whatever that is, whether you choose to speak to your God or the universe, whatever, just letting go of control—and having some more faith. You know, I’ve always struggled with being in the present moment. I’ve always thought about the future a lot planned for it. I need to have a plan. I need to make sure that the outcome is what I want to be. So kind of learning, when I’m going through that imposter syndrome, having any of those moments like taking a minute, and letting go of the control and having a little bit more faith. And it’s so interesting because I’ve consciously done that over the past year a lot. We all have these moments where I’ll stop. And I’m like, “Okay, I know, this has to be happening for a reason.” Like, please just give me a sign that I’m on the right path, please just give me a sign. And, you know, I have almost every single day, or especially the days where I specifically have that call to action—the numbers 11 11. And then I see 444, and that helps me so much. Like, as a reminder, and I know like some people might be listening, and maybe you don’t believe in this, you know, and that’s fine. But for me, it’s just a reminder of, like, Okay, I’m on the right page. And, and just a reminder of having faith,
I’m not meant to see the whole plan. I’m not meant to know the blueprint of how this is going to go. I’m where I’m supposed to be. And I’m doing what sets my soul on fire. And it’s for a reason. So I think that has played a huge, huge role in getting back to connecting with self-love and my purpose, and who I am on this planet—every day, just taking moments to have more faith and do my mirror work as well. So, yeah, it’s crazy when you open up to receiving those possibilities, like what shows up for you.
REGINA: And something always shows up when you truly open yourself up to that.
KELCY: Oh, and it’s scary. It’s terrifying, right? To let go of control is so tough, right? But that’s what you have to do for the best opportunities to show up.
REGINA: Well, control is not real. The only things we have control over are our responses and reactions to things and sometimes some of our thoughts, but we have control of nothing. It’s just like this false illusion we like to let ourselves live in because it makes us feel safe.
KELCY: Totally. Oh, and this is what I wanted to say, having gratitude and speaking it out loud. You know, I’ve practiced that a lot more really intentionally in the past year. Gratitude for what I have now and then. I’ve also started practicing future gratitude. Yeah. So like expressing gratitude out loud for the things that I’m working toward for the things that I desire in my life as if I already have them, and believing that I am worthy of having them. And that helps with mindset as well. Like, because you’re saying those things out loud about how you talk about negative self-talk, your brain believes it. So speaking out loud into existence into the universe, the things that I’m grateful for in the future, I feel help with my mindset of believing that it can be done. That it will happen and doing what needs to be done to work toward that.
REGINA: I do a lot of that too. When you do your future gratitudes, Do you speak them in the present tense as if they’ve already happened?
KELCY: Yes. I can’t remember where I heard this originally from. Maybe it was Jen Gottlieb. I think perhaps I heard it from her. I remember hearing her talk about a future gratitude list, but saying it as if it’s happening right now in the present. And it feels so weird to start doing it at first, but then once you start doing it, it just becomes routine. It becomes a normal way of speaking to yourself.
REGINA: Totally. That’s how manifestation is so powerful. Talking about it In the present as if it’s happening and like going through the feelings and emotions that come with it at the moment.
KELCY: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. You are allowing yourself to feel it as if it’s already true.
REGINA: Totally. Yeah, I do. I do some similar things to you when I’m feeling myself backsliding. So many times I find like, with self-love, if I’m feeling less about myself, I like to think about where it is coming from? Like, if it’s in the context of a romantic relationship, I was a codependent my whole life. Super codependent. So whenever I started a new relationship, I have to remind myself what is real and what is just a trauma response coming up from my past. I also constantly have the conversation with myself, “What do you know to be true? What do you know, to be real right now?” So when I’m feeling less than, or I’m having imposter syndrome (I’ve been having many imposter syndromes come up lately). as my business grows, I will ask myself the question, “What do you know, to be real?” And “Is this feeling or experience of fear and imposter syndrome real? Or is it just your ego coming up because something new is happening, and it’s trying to keep you safe. So when I go down that road of what do I know to be accurate, what do I know to be real, that helps me come back to center. And to come back to remember who I am truly, and what is happening. You’re feeling fear. This is why you’re feeling fear, and it’s coming up for this reason, right? That helps me a ton. And with all of that, I’m consistently journaling. I’m always, when things come up in my business, in romantic relationships and friendships, I have a habit of sitting with it before I talk about it. So I sit with it, I write about it, I process it. Because I, if I’m going to put something out into the universe with another human, I want first to know, Is this real? Is this my insecurity? Is this my own self-doubt? Is this my own trauma coming up? And then I can address it.
KELCY: I have a couple of things that came to mind when you were talking about that. First, I love that you take the time to think about where this is coming from. And, thought versus fact is what came up for me like, Is it true? Or is it just a thought that you’re believing to be true? And your mind is tricking you into thinking that. Just because you’re thinking about it yourself doesn’t mean it’s true. And I think it’s so crucial that you’re able to have that self-awareness to recognize that, right?
REGINA: There have been so many times I think about when I didn’t have that self-awareness, and when you just take whatever’s happening inside of yourself, I would take it out on other people. Or like, I’d be dating someone, and I’d be, “Why are you making me feel like this? Why are you doing this thing?” And being radically accountable for like my thoughts, my own feelings? And then doing the deep dive of “Where’s this even coming from?”
KELCY: I think accountability is huge, especially when it comes to self-love. Because you have to be willing to call yourself out and hold yourself accountable otherwise, you’re not going to see what changes need to be made for you to grow and get to that place of true self-love, or whatever it is that you want to achieve. So, yeah, I love that you hold yourself accountable because I believe that that is something that I feel like people are either naturally good at or takes a lot of work to get to that place. Because it is uncomfortable, being able to say “that’s my bad” or like you said, in a relationship in a romantic relationship, being able to say, “this is my toxic pattern coming out here,” “this is something that I need to deal with and need to look at. And it’s not about, like what you just said to me at all, right? It’s how, how I’m projecting my feelings about it onto you. And that takes so much self-awareness. And it’s so so so important to make that a priority to be aware of our thoughts, and what programming we’ve had, and why we feel the way we feel about things. Because like you said, it can even affect the relationships that you have with other people in your life.
REGINA: Totally. And like as we’re on a journey of self-love and self-discovery and figuring out who we are, then there are people in our lives, in relationships, that they are mirrors for us; they are the people that take us to the next level of self-awareness. So you can do all the work you want around self-love, and the inner work and the journaling and make massive headway. But if you desire to be in a relationship or a romantic partnership with somebody else, get ready because all the knowledge, the next level of lessons, and self-love will come up because everything you did will be heightened in this new experience.
KELCY: Exactly. And to me, that’s almost the goal in a way that we should always be looking for the next opportunity to go to the next level to be challenged and have to look even deeper within ourselves to grow even more as human beings. And it’s my hope would be that, whenever I do enter a relationship again, that it’s with a man who’s willing to do the same thing. I’m sure I don’t want to make assumptions, but I feel like you might be in the same boat where it’s like, I don’t put so much of my time and energy into this work for myself. To then go and spend a life with someone who’s not going to do the same for themselves.
REGINA: Do you feel in dating since you’ve started this self-love, self-discovery, journey, and where you’re at sitting in your life right now? What comes up for you as you go on dates? And as you’re meeting new people?
KELCY: I think that’s a great question. I think there’s a lot to me. And I’m very complex. And I feel like I haven’t met the right kind of man who appreciates that yet. And that’s fine. That means everyone I’ve met, I’ve gone on some great dates with great guys. But there’s just not that deep level connection there. And I think it’s because, and no fault to them or anything, but I don’t believe they are on the same journey. I think that’s what it is, is I realized I need someone who is also committed to this type of personal growth. Otherwise, I’m never going to be fully understood first of all, and it will be nearly impossible to grow together. So I think that that has been something that I realized through dating after starting this, you know, commitment to self-love. And the same goes even for friendships and stuff, right? It’s like everyone serves their purpose in your life. But if you’re going to have longevity in a relationship, you kind of have to find like-minded people who are committed to the same core beliefs in you how you want to live your life. What about you? What has your experience been?
REGINA: It’s interesting; I’m dating somebody now. Okay, I’ve been dating him for about a little over a month. And it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had in this phase of life. Like, we’re on the same journey. He’s been doing his self-work for about eight or nine years; he’s a little bit older than me. He’s an entrepreneur. So we understand that we speak the same language of mindset and spirituality. As humans, we connect well. It’s interesting, though, to think of the contrast between him and the guys I’ve gone on dates with. Like, there was a guy I went on a couple of dates with, and we disagreed about something. And I said to him, “I rationally and analytically understand what you’re saying and agree with you, but I still feel an emotional response to what you’re saying in my body because of my past experiences. I get you. I’m on the same page as you, but I feel some feelings, and I have to process them. He didn’t understand. He didn’t speak the same language and get what I meant, and I talked to the guy I’m dating now about a similar thing. And I rationally understand I’m on the same page as you, but I feel a little bit of feelings and sadness in my body about this thing. And he was like, I totally understand. Process the way that you need to process like, completely different. So, it has definitely changed the ability to see who I can date and how I date. But it’s also heightened, like, I’ve done so much work in dating people around like, what’s my own shit? What’s your shit? How do I show up energetically? How do I energetically respond to you? And the guy I’m dating now had this conversation the other night about sitting with things before we talked about them. Because sometimes, maybe I’m being triggered, and it has nothing to do with you. And so I need to sit with it, process it. And if it has to do with us, I’ll tell you about it. But more often than not, it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. And it has to do with the 34 years before I ever met you.
KELCY: Right. Like, like most things that come up.
REGINA: Yeah, it’s just very different. It changes the work that we’ve done, changes the way we connect with people, it changes what we want, it changes the way I want a man to hold space for me, and the safety and the container of a man holding space look so differently like than it did before.
KELCY: Yeah, I agree. Especially in the time we’re living in now, right? And it’s getting a little bit better, but with the past year with COVID, and everything, what even was dating? And you’re forced to meet people online. And I struggle with that because I feel like dating culture has been reduced to just dating apps. And I was on all the dating apps. And I just recently got off all of them. I had this realization that this process does not work for me. I have to feel someone’s energy in-person to know whether or not this is even something I want to see where it could go possibly. Because we could be texting for days. I don’t know who you are. I don’t care about how your day was; I don’t care about your favorite place to eat your favorite color. Like none of that, really. I need to meet you in person. So it’s like that. That has been a huge realization for me, too, on how important it is for me to feel someone’s energy.
REGINA: Yeah, I’m the same way, though. It’s funny because I have felt the same way that you feel about dating apps. And so I decided in January, I was like, I’m going to make a hinge profile. I’m going to delete the app off my phone. And every so often, I’ll pop in and see who is liking me because I just looked at it as like another avenue for abundance to flow through. Yeah. And so I did that and downloaded the app, and I downloaded the app again, like a month and a half ago. And the guy I’m dating liked one of my photos. And so I went through his profile, and I was looking, and I was like, you’re not necessarily my type, just to look at you. But there was something about him that was intriguing. And I showed my best friend who I live with, and I was like, there’s something about this guy, he’s not my type, but there’s something that feels good about him. So she looked at his profile. She was like, like him back. See what he does. So I liked him back. And his first message was, “what was the greatest thing that happened to you this weekend? What was the greatest thing about your week this week?” and I was like, “good opening questions, sir.”
And we had this light back and forth for a couple of days. But each question was significant, like, “What are you most excited about in your life right now?” Like significant questions. And I was like, do you want to get coffee or a drink and connect? and he was like, “definitely.” And so we met for drinks. And as soon as I saw him, he didn’t look anything like his profile. Like, as soon as I saw him, I was like, Oh, my God, you’re so cute. And then I just sat in his energy. I knew I had a hard cut-off, like three hours. And then I had to go meet my girlfriend’s to see a psychic of course. And, and so all of a sudden, three and a half hours went by, and I was like, “I gotta go.” And he was like, “when can I see you?” And he planned the next date. And he planned the next date. And he just kept planning the dates, right? But I feel like because I opened myself up to it and just set the intention. Something that I did, right out the gate with him is– not our first date, where we met for three hours, but our second, like, proper full night date. I asked him all the questions, the serious questions. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have babies? When was the last time you were in a serious relationship? Why did it end? What are you looking for? How do you communicate best? How do you like to be communicated with? Like, we had this like deep dive, second date conversation, and the fact that I could ask him those questions. And he was on board. He wanted to talk about it. We had that dialogue. I was like, “I’m gonna date you.”
KELCY: Yeah. Because it sounds like he’s been on his own journey and has really committed to his own growth. I imagine that him making that decision, to focus on himself really, is why he had the answers and why he could be so sure of, you know, what he was saying to you during that conversation and being able just to commit, I guess, because I feel like so many men, if you were on a second date, asking those questions would be like, whoa, I don’t know. They’d be freaking out. Right?
REGINA: Totally. I just kind of want to ask it because if you’re going to freak out, freak out now. We’re in a world where online dating is the main way to meet people. You just kind of have to go, like balls to the wall into.
KELCY: Yeah, I guess you’re right. And see, for me, I had to check myself when I first got on dating apps because I was never really on dating apps until last year. After all, when they first were like, I was living in LA, I didn’t need dating apps. I was going out all the time to meet. And I was so focused on myself and what I thought was going to be a career. And then I started dating my then-boyfriend, and we were together for years. So I wasn’t used to online dating. So then, when I got on the apps, I had to check myself so hard because I felt like I was so vain and so judgmental. I’m going off of what I think I’m attracted to or what my type is. I don’t know. Do you know what it took? I was like, What is my type? But I hate that question when people ask that all the time because I don’t know… because you could be the most attractive man on the planet, and then open your mouth, and I could feel like I have no connection to you whatsoever. And so I think, I had to check myself. Maybe I’ll download the apps again, Regina. Maybe I’ll get back on there. And just force me to be more open because it’s tough. It’s like I’d rather just meet you in person because you might walk up to me, and you might not physically be what I thought my type was, yeah, open your mouth, and we start having a conversation, and I’d be so attracted to you, right? So I’m going to start going up to people in public. I don’t even care anymore. I’d be like, I like your energy. I like the vibe I’m getting from you. What’s up? Let’s talk.
REGINA: Oh, totally. Yeah, that’s how I am too. Like I could see someone and, I’ve also been trying to take that energy into it, giving grace and giving grace because we take selfies, girls take pictures all the time. We have personal brands online. We got photos on photos on photos, right? Professional photos, hair and makeup done. I feel like a lot of guys are really trying. They’re trying hard, you know. And so I when I first got on the app, it was the same thing. I felt like I was shopping for a hot man. It was like, nope, nope, nope. And like I have to be physically attracted to somebody because we want to meet them, right? I’ve been so surprised by just what has shown up in my life. And just going with my gut and going with the energy of what I felt and seeing how that is turning out that I’m like, huh, this kind of shifted my perspective a little bit.
KELCY: Yeah. I love when the universe gives you an unexpected surprise. Like, that’s the best thing. But I feel like that’s life. Right? Like, it’s never going to be how we thought it was going to be like, I never thought I’d be sitting here and never thought I’d have a podcast. Yeah, I thought I’d be a coach like you, don’t I mean, I never thought I’d live where I live. But I frickin love it. Like, I’m so grateful that, you know, I got all these surprises. I feel like that about my whole life. So yeah, I love it so much. Okay, I would love to talk to you about your sexy to talk about this. So this is something I talk about with every podcast guest. And it’s an acronym that I created. It’s four areas that I feel like you really need to get clear on to feel the sexiest you can get in your own skin. And I know a lot of things we’ve sort of touched on. So I think it’ll be it’ll be fun to talk about. So the first one is satisfied. And I love that you’re such an aware person, and you’re not afraid to go deep. So I can’t wait to hear your answers for these. So what right now, like at this point in your life, the present moment? What are the things that satisfy you, light you up and bring you joy? Like no matter how big or small they might be in your day-to-day? What are those things for you that set your soul on fire?
REGINA: In my day-to-day life, what are the things that satisfy me? When I think about my business life, seeing breakthroughs that I can help facilitate with my clients and seeing their success is so satisfying to me. Really good, yummy, juicy sex regularly is so satisfying to me. The new bed that I’m sitting in right now is so satisfying for me. I would say those things are like, and recently, I’ve been thinking about the ability to work where I want, like create a business the way I want to. I get to do everything in life the way I want to do it. And I have complete freedom in my life truly, to do things the way I want. And to figure things out the way I want and to build life the way I want it. And that is so fucking satisfying.
KELCY: Yeah, that’s, that is amazing that you’ve created that life for yourself. Okay. So the next part is ego. So I don’t believe ego is a bad word. I think we’re so used to hearing about ego in this negative context of it trying to destroy us right from the inside out. But I look at ego as the relationship that we build with our self-esteem and our self-worth. We have to focus on building a healthy ego to really have true self-love and feel sexy in our own skin. So at this point in your life, what is your relationship like with your ego, and your self-esteem?
REGINA: I would say my relationship with my ego and self-esteem is that I have a healthy relationship with how I feel about myself. I feel really fucking great about myself, honestly. I have moments where I’m like, as I’m building new facets of income in my business, where I’m like, oh, whoa, you’re doing this thing? I don’t sit in that for very long. I feel like my relationship with self is getting better and better. And I will always have moments where I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” We all are. But the amount of time I sit in that space gets shorter and shorter and shorter.
KELCY: Now, do you have any self-love practices that help you kind of create that time to get shorter and shorter When that time pops up? There, you said like journaling and stuff like that.
REGINA: Yeah, journaling, moving the energy. So when I get into that energy, I like to move the energy. So I like to do deep breathwork is really helpful for me. Exercise and moving my body in a very intense way. And like tiring myself the fuck out helps a lot. Dancing and like dancing. And that type of movement of energy is really powerful for me. Sex and self-pleasure are really big and helps ground me. It helps me remind myself of who I am, and what I am. And like, brings me back to center.
KELCY: Yeah, yeah, so good. I know; I had Kendall on the podcast, which I know she’s one of your good friends. And we talked a lot about self-pleasure practices. And she gave some great tips for women to help them feel more personal to them and feel safe and tangible. Because I’m so surprised, like, by the amount of people, the amount of women who I meet or know that’s very intimidating for them, just have that intimate time with their selves. So I love that that’s part of your answer; this is self-love, like a non-negotiable. This is what I do to help get grounded back into myself. Yeah, it’s like one of the main things you can do to connect back into your own body into your own feelings. And it’s so so powerful and so beautiful. And yeah, I just love that. That’s like something that’s on your list.
REGINA: Oh, yeah. regularly.
KELCY: Yeah, it needs to be done. Okay, so the next part is the external opinions. So how often do you let what other people think or say affects you at this point? Or what have you done over the years, you know, get to a point where it doesn’t affect you anymore.
REGINA: I would say more often than not, I don’t give two shits what anyone says or thinks of me,
KELCY: Which is amazing. So how did you get to that place? Like, what advice do you have for anyone listening?
REGINA: Everything I do in my life is for the greater purpose of my life on this planet, like my business, how I show up, the way I energetically present myself, the way I dress myself. It’s all for the greater purpose. And if I’m always aligned to that, then I don’t care what other people think. And like, I’ll always have moments where I’m like, oh, we’re like things sting. But then I just always remind myself to align to the greater good and the greater purpose, and I never, and this is the thing, I’m pretty straightforward. I’m pretty bold. But I never want to hurt other people. I never want to hurt somebody or say something that triggers them and hurts them, right? But so I say, like, I don’t give a fuck, in the most respectful way, because I just, I can’t worry about everybody around me, if I worried about everybody’s opinions, I would still be a lawyer, I would still be living in Philadelphia, I would still be with my ex-boyfriend I was with for five years, or I would still be mad, I’d be married to the guy who was engaged to like, my life would be so different. And I truly believe that, like, we get to live this lifetime, and we get one chance at this lifetime. And so if I would lay down by everybody else’s thoughts and opinions of me, like, I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
KELCY: Exactly. There’s no way that you could have gotten to the point you are now if you were concerned with other people’s thoughts and opinions.
REGINA: When I went to law school, you know people were like, “don’t you know, law school is hard?.” And I was like, Elle Woods went to law school. I think I figured out. We’ll be fine.
KELCY: Okay, so the last part of the sexy acronym is yearn. So what are you yearning for right now? What are you looking forward to in the future for yourself?
REGINA: I would say the biggest thing I’m yearning for and looking forward to is like creating a bigger community and like a greater impact where I’m in the middle of creating something right now that is going to be a big community for male and female entrepreneurs to connect, to cultivate, to grow, to create together. And that’s something that is a part of my contract in this lifetime. My superpower is I’m a human connector. I bring people together, I make connections. I’m always setting up friends with friends for friend dates and for romantic dates. Like I’m always connecting humans. And so I’m yearning to take that superpower and to supercharge it and like build like a massive conscious entrepreneurial community,
KELCY: Oh my gosh, I’m excited. I can’t wait to see what it’s going to be, and I love that you call out your superpower and say it with confidence. And you’re so proud when you say that too because who shouldn’t be. Oh, yeah, totally, like, celebrate yourself.
REGINA: Absolutely. I mean, no, if you don’t celebrate yourself, nobody’s gonna celebrate you.
KELCY: Exactly. I would love to know what your philosophy is on age, right? Like, I’ve been having this conversation the past few years with people. I don’t understand why we get so upset to be getting older. For example, I turn 30 this year and have many friends who have already turned 30 or about to they’re like, “Oh, I don’t want to be 30” like, my youth is gone. My 20s are gone. Like, I’m getting so old. I’m like, I cannot freakin wait to turn 30. Are you kidding me? To me, it is a blessing that I get to live another year. Do you know how many people haven’t even got to live 30 years on this planet like this? We should be celebrating every year that we get older and that we get to live and create, the life of our dreams. I love that you create, like you have your own birthday party, you throw your own party, because it’s like, when we’re younger. It’s like, we can’t wait to get older, right? And our friends or our family are throwing us birthday parties, we’re not throwing our own parties, and we’re younger. And then I feel like we get to the certain age where we kind of realize like, oh, no one’s going to throw a party for me. Like they think I’m too old to really have a birthday party. So Hell yeah. Like, let me celebrate myself. I’m going to have the birthday party I want to have, you’re all invited if you want. Yeah, like to be there and witness it.
REGINA: I just think like, I, I’ve chosen and I’m creating a life that is full of joy, and laughter and fun. Like, that’s my favorite thing is to like, have fun and create fun. And so I love to create experiences where we can do that. Like, I want to have fun all the time. So with getting older. I feel like the older I get and the more experience I have. And the more work I do on myself. I feel better than when I was 25 or 24. Like, ten years ago, I’m a better version of myself than I was at 24. And I have more fun, and I enjoy my life. And I have more money. like yeah, it’s good. Like, every year is good. And I and I want to carry this spirit through my life like I want if I have kids, I want my kids to be like, Oh my God, my mom won’t get off the dance floor. Like, she’s so embarrassing. Like, I want always to be that person.
KELCY: Yeah, like you’re the fun mom. Yeah, I think that it’s so important to intentionally have fun. I’ve made that priority for myself this year. I don’t really set new year’s resolutions. That’s not my thing. I pick a word. And my word this year was happy. I’m not doing anything that doesn’t make me happy. I’m not gonna be eating foods that don’t make me happy. I’m not spending time with people who don’t make me happy. And then coming off of that was like, well, I need to make sure I’m intentionally having fun like the kind of fun where I don’t have to be worrying about deadlines or stressed out about something going on. I can just let go. And I deserve to intentionally have fun, whether that’s like I’m putting music on and just dancing around the house and enjoying myself or going on a trip somewhere. You know, like it’s to intentionally have fun and celebrate who you are.
REGINA: It’s important to have fun, and it’s important to always celebrate everything in life that happened. That’s part of a gratitude practice. It is being grateful and giving thanks for everything that happens.
KELCY: Yeah, yeah, I agree. I’m on the same page with you. It’s like, why wouldn’t we celebrate? No one’s going to do it for us. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. My gosh, I love this.
REGINA: I love those questions. That’s so cool.
KELCY: I’m glad. Yeah, It’s something that that I came up with before I even started coaching. When I first started the podcast, it was just like; I don’t know, it just kind of came to me. It was one of those things. These are important things. We need to get clear on how we feel about each of these areas. To get in touch with who we really are, Who are we authentically when we’re just being ourselves? It kind of helps us become aware if we’ve been living our lives trying to please other people or not offend other people or, it kind of helps reel us back into who we are and am I doing what I need to do in order to celebrate that person? Am I living this life that I want to be living? So yeah, it’s fun to talk about with everybody and kind of hear what they have to share.
If you guys love this podcast, Kelcy and I would love it if you would take a screenshot, tag it in your stories, DMS let us know what you loved about it. I love you guys have such a great week and I will see you next week on the podcast.
Regina Lawrence Esq. is a former trial attorney and law school professor turned soulful business & life strategist. She has found that so many entrepreneurs have these brilliant ideas and dreams but don’t know how to take the dream and create a system or structure to make that dream & idea profitable. That is where Regina comes in. With discipline, consistency, systems & structure, we can’t help but create profit & fulfillment from our soul-driven business ideas.
Regina’s approach to coaching marries her background in legal analysis, spirituality, mindset coaching, holistic nutrition, and neuroscience to create an experience that will assist you in getting into alignment, get clear on what you are here to do and what steps and systems to implement to make that dream a profitable reality.
You can find Regina on Instagram @reginaalawrence.
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