Today we have my girl, AZ therapist and speaker Janelle Hettick. Jenelle is a woman who I connected with in the local community here in Arizona and if you know her or follow her on social media @janellehettick, she is such a crackup, and she’s such a beautiful human being.
She is a girl from the northeast, Pennsylvania, she is a Virgo, she is an Enneagram 3, she is my soul sister, we found out that we are both anxiously attached women. And in this episode, I really tap into what her journey was to become a therapist. Her own experience with working with a therapist and dealing with her own mental health issues, and then really sharing that with the world.
Janelle is all about empowering people to step out of the mold and to be who they are. And she does that, as a therapist, really largely through social media. She has a lit Tick Tock following that she has brought over to reels and Instagram and she is amazing. We talk about the impact of social media on individuals, especially some of the teens and youth she’s working with, and her thoughts on that. It’s such a beautiful episode. I’m so excited for you guys to connect with her to learn from her and go follow her over on Instagram @janellehettick. She also said on the episode that on all the different social media platforms that is her handle, so follow her on Tik Tok, on Twitter, find her on Facebook, wherever you play. Go check her out. Hope you guys love this episode.
Regina: Welcome to All The Things podcast, baby!
Janelle: Thank you so much. I’m so glad to be here.
Regina: I’m so excited to have you here. I also love that you actually listened to my podcast. Thank you. So * what we’re all about over here at all the things I like to talk about all the things, all the juicy things, so I’m so happy you’re gonna be here and connecting and talking to the community today. Yep, let’s do it. So you are like me, you are a fellow East Coast girl from Philip, Pennsylvania, you are an Enneagram 3, you are a Virgo. And you’re also anxiously attached like I am. Guilty. So how did you end up deciding that you wanted to become a licensed therapist?
Janelle: Yeah, I love that question. Interestingly, I didn’t fully decide until I was in community college and already started with some of my credits. But I realized from a young age that I always was that person that people came to talk about things. And *, maybe I didn’t have the greatest advice when I was a child, but I was always a very good listener. And I felt valued. I was providing value in those types of situations. So, when I learned about social work, which I never even heard of until I was in college I heard about it, looked it up. And I was like, This is me, like, to the core, this is who I am as a person. It wasn’t even like a choice. *, I heard about it. Game over. This is what I’m doing with my life.
Regina: So you knew that it’s what you wanted to do?
Janelle: Yeah, I feel like it was created for me. And this weird way, when I first heard about it, I was like, this is literally everything that I would absolutely love to do. Because I just love to help people provide that support, let people know that they’re not alone. Help them build skills and tools. And it felt like it was made for me. I know, it’s not, but let me just have my thing. Okay.
Regina: Yeah, no, totally. And before you actually decided to go to school to become a therapist, had you worked with or had experiences yourself in therapy?
Janelle: Yes. I can’t remember the exact age I had to have been, 18, I think? So I saw my first therapist then. And didn’t fully know what to expect, I knew they were kind of there for you, to help you through difficult times kind of thing. And it really helped me to understand the kind of power that I had over my own life. And that we aren’t just relying on everybody else to make decisions and kind of stepped into who I was, and especially as like an emerging adult. And being so young, I was like, wow, I’m understanding the world and my place in it. And from a new lens. And it was really empowering. And it was a really great experience. And I only left her because I moved to Arizona.
Regina: How long did you work with her for?
Janelle: Probably a year and a half to two years?
Regina: When I started therapy, something you said reminded me of that, there were so many things, there were so many things about my life that I just thought, like, this is just who you are. Or that’s just the way you are, how you got to that place doesn’t really matter. And what I realized in going to therapy was like you said, we have power over our own life. And these things happened, and they serve purposes in my life. But like, I have power over how I show up and change and even just think about my past.
Janelle: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we’re in control. And sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge that, especially when you feel like, for example, just with depression, like, people don’t feel like they can control that. And obviously, their outside influences are heavily weighing down on them, and you’re not able to harness all of that power that you have at that moment, you need a little bit more support, but really we all have that power within us to change our situations and change the way we view things. And it’s way easier said than done, but it’s absolutely possible to go from and for example, I’ll share a little bit of my story as I went from being like a teenager and being very depressed and I still have depression, but it’s very well managed. So I kind of went from this super depressed teenager to this person who I was so sure of who I am, and I love everything about myself, even if I have opportunities to grow, that’s okay, but I’m coming from a place of loving myself and wanting to move forward and make changes instead of shaming and judging myself for all of my shortcomings. So it really is possible and I think it’s hard for a lot of people to see it when they’re kind of in the trenches. But yeah, everybody can overcome their current situations and make it to the other side a little bit stronger And a little bit wiser.
Regina: I think the thing that you just described, the journey you went through learning how to love yourself and step into who you really are, like, I love myself, I can be better in other areas. Sure. But as a baseline, I’m starting from a space of self-love. I feel like that’s the goal of every woman I meet. That is the place that they want to step into. How do you help somebody step into that space of loving themselves so much,.
Janelle: I love this. I think it depends because if we’re at a place where we really dislike ourselves, or even, some people hate themselves, and that’s just the reality. You can’t kind of make a quick jump to doing the kind of self-love where you really need to meet yourself where you’re at. So if somebody is not, I guess this is for the person who is kind of like in the middle, maybe neutral, and is kind of working on self-love, trying to make that conscious effort to point out all the strengths that you have, maybe you just sit down and make a list of all of the good qualities and strengths that you possess, and how you use these strengths and qualities to benefit your, personal relationships, your work relationships, and just, kind of narrow it down in that type of way, and really expand on it and really allow yourself to soak it all in and I know a lot of people are really uncomfortable accepting praise. And even like in a closed office, like in my therapy office, like some people are still uncomfortable telling me the stuff that they’re proud of just in this safe space. And it’s difficult, it’s one of those things where if you never really acknowledge your strengths before, it’s like really weird, uncomfortable, whatever. But just sit down, do it anyways, we’re gonna, we got to get over that little initial hump, to sit down and do it. But yeah, like, creative, intelligent, optimistic, empathetic, and like how all those different kinds of strengths uniquely help you in all different areas of life. And you’re going to find that there’s so much more than you would have probably realized, or that you think of on a day to day basis. And if you need some inspiration, look on Pinterest, I’m sure you can type in like strengths and qualities and find a lot of different examples of different words to describe yourself. But that’s just a really empowering way to set yourself up for that kind of success. Because obviously, like, what we focus on, is going to be what our life becomes, if we focus on all the things that we dislike about ourselves, the more we think about that, and it just becomes this perpetual cycle. So if we start to try to actively implement, reminding ourselves of our strengths, or good qualities, and this is kind of what people do with, gratitude practices, like writing three things down every day that you’re grateful for, and it’s kind of the same concept, like, try to acknowledge three strengths you used each day. And maybe that can be like a nighttime routine, but, reminding yourself of all the good things that you have within you, instead of just kind of being hyper-focused on all of the things that you feel bad about, and shift that focus there. And that can go a long way.
Regina: It’s interesting, that’s been a huge part of my journey to loving myself, has been spending time and energy, like focusing on the goodness and the positive qualities, and then praising myself, because like, if I can’t praise myself and say, like, you did a fucking great job at this, I can’t accept it from anyone else.
Janelle: Absolutely. And refusing compliments is not doing us any justice. So it takes a while to get there, but really just starting in that place is where I’d probably recommend. And even if you find yourself having that negative self-talk, just creating a lot of mindfulness around all of this, like being aware that something’s happening, when it’s happening is the very first step like I don’t want to get too far into like, the negative self-talk, positive self-talk, but really, like that’s something that weighs a lot of people down and we have all these things that we love to just jab at ourselves, and they’re not very kind and they’re not adding any value to us. It’s only kind of holding us back and keeping us small. So really just kind of creating an overall awareness of what you’re saying to yourself, why you’re saying it and *, try to kind of stop those thoughts in their tracks instead of continuing to go on, because for example, you can say, I’m this, this, this and this. But if you’re paying more attention, and you’re creating that mindfulness, maybe you just say one main thing to yourself, and then you’re like, wait a minute, I just said that. That’s not nice. Let’s kind of stop where we’re at and leave it at that. So that’s like, one small way to kind of start working on negative self-talk is really just creating awareness and knowing that you’re doing it while you’re doing it.
Regina: Yep. That was a huge part of my journey. In thinking about my neurological programming and the way I talked to myself, I started to think about however I talk to myself, it’s not only giving me permission to say and think those things, but I’m actually opening up a channel for other people to say those things to me.
So I made a rule, you’re never allowed to say an unkind word to yourself. And obviously, we’re human. And we do, right? So I became hyper-aware of it. So I would say something even in my everyday common way of speaking, I was like, Oh, my gosh, you’re so dumb. Why did you do that? And then I would stop and say, You’re not dumb. That maybe wasn’t the best life decision that you made, but you are not dumb. And I started slowly, like thought by thought, working at one thought at a time, one minute at a time. And I started to see the impact of it in my in the way I thought, the way I felt about myself, and the way people treated me.
Janelle: Yes, absolutely. I love that. I think that’s a really good example of just making those small steps and conscious decisions over time and how they add up and truly just rewire the way we think and talk to ourselves. I think if somebody listening to this is feeling intimidated by it, you might feel like you have a long way to go, you just really have to start small and take those baby steps. And they build on one another over time. And it’s definitely worth it. So it’s intimidating, but it’s possible, and you got two ladies here will tell you that it’s true.
Regina: So true. It’s so so true. So something I love about you is that your self-love is so apparent and so obvious. And it comes out in the way that you show up online. I think when we think of therapists just like when I was an attorney, the way we think of attorneys, we think of therapists like in an office and a white button-up and a pencil skirt. Kind of like a whitewashed wall with a pad of paper to pen, just smiling and nodding, that’s the Hollywood version of therapy. And that is not how you show up on this planet. And I love it. So let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about how you show up as a medical therapist, like yourself.
Janelle: Yes, I love that question. And I think that it’s something that I’m super proud of and intentional about. So when we’re in school, and I’ll just speak on social work, but I’m sure counseling, students get the same kind of thing, where we are supposed to be this blank slate for our clients, and we are not supposed to share too much about who we are. And I’m not really influenced by the client anyway, no matter what that is. So I was always super concerned about that because some of the people have small personalities, but like, I have a really big personality. And I like to have fun. And I like to make jokes like my current clients like I will send them like a Tiktok if I think of them because it’s just another way to build that relationship. And it’s also usually relevant because it’s always about mental health. Um, but yeah, I think like lately in the past, probably like five years or so, there’s been like a lot more therapists showing up on social media and really just showing who they are. And to be honest, I’ve been inspired by seeing other people and I feel like others that I’ve seen even before I was licensed showing up exactly as they are and being eccentric, again, Goofy and quirky. And dropping the F-bombs all day everyday day. Like, this is who we are. And I don’t think it’s very helpful to be a cookie-cutter human being Just in general in any job, and I know some places are still like that, where they’re very strict and you just can’t show too much of yourself. And I think it’s very unfortunate. And I will say, I guess it kind of depends on where you work if you work for the state or private practice. But yeah, I have like the luxury, I guess, of being able to express myself and it is more acceptable now than it was before. So, for example, I mean, y’all can’t see me but I’ve had shaved hair for six years, I have a half sleeve on my left arm, I have two nose piercings, and my septum, I have a lot of ear piercings. So really just expressing myself I feel like and the people that find me as clients, I think that I helped give others permission to fully accept themselves or at least start that journey and to own who they are.
Regina: Well, and I think also like you’re giving people permission to own who they are. You’re also showing people like I am a human too. Even though I’m your therapist, this is a human-to-human interaction. And even if you’re not telling them things about your life or getting too personal, they can see and feel you that you are who you purport today.
Janelle: Yeah, absolutely. I think that kind of like tying in again, the social media presence to it. I have been just really loving Tiktok and reels. And that’s like, where I live. And it’s my thing right now, I’m getting kind of famous, and my head’s getting big. But it’s super cool. Because I’ve just never felt this authentic online before. Like, I feel like it is just straight up my alley, and I’m able to kind of like, do my stupid little dance things that, I do that in real life, like what you see on Tiktok, and reels is the most accurate representation of me, that you’re ever going to get. And I think it’s super cool that I’m able to portray that in a professional way. Being quirky and silly. And I’ve been having people find me and be my client that way. And I think it’s the coolest, because I’m able to really show that personality, and I think they kind of already know what they’re getting into when they sign up. So it’s been really cool. And some people outside looking in and maybe have questions about like, is it helping business? Or do you feel like it kind of hurts business? And I think that anytime that you’re being your authentic self, you’re really going to connect and attract the people that are meant to be there with you. So I have honestly, had such a great experience with pretty much every single client, like, I can just tell right away, like, we’re super-connected, it’s very easy to build rapport. And you found me for a reason, maybe because of a video or a post and you felt my spirit, my presence, and that was something that connected you to me, and I just feel like sometimes you can get people to sign up for you. And they’re just really different and not a good fit at all. But I haven’t ever had any kind of problems with that. And I think that that’s due to me just being fully myself all the time, especially on social media.
Regina: Well, and I think what’s so powerful about that, and it’s something I teach and talk about all the time is building a brand online, in 2009 was very different than it is now. Because building a brand used to be, how do I create what I want to be and what I want people to think I am so they want to work with me? And people started to build a “brand” that way. But at this point in time, people are smart, and they’re sensitive to people being fake and inauthentic. Right. So they, oh, good brand, the way it’s built is showing up as you are being whoever the fuck you are. And like picking the parts of your authentic self that you want to share with people online. And then doing that over and over again. So TikTok and reels. It sounds like have really given you the creative outlet to just fully step into who you are, and share it with the world.
Janelle: Absolutely. I’ve had a blast. I feel like it’s one of those things, too, that’s like a hobby and it’s like self-care for me like I am super in my element and I’m being goofy, I’m having fun and I’m being creative and I feel like sometimes as business owners, and people diving into their careers, it’s like difficult sometimes to make time for play and that creativity, so I just love how it’s a part of my life. And it’s not something that makes me feel bad or that’s like a struggle to put together because for example, and I know a lot of people that listen to you are big into Instagram marketing and whatnot. And sitting down and trying to have to create that kind of content posts for five days a week or whatever, was draining the absolute life out of me. And I know that there could have been more strategic ways I went about it, but I just like, didn’t really like it at all, I was just doing it because I want to still get more clients. But I think in the way that Tiktok is like more in alignment with me, and just how I feel like a person, and how I can express that has really helped me to continue that presence and reach as many people as possible and stay motivated and excited about the things I want to share.
Regina: I also love that in your like Tiktok and reels, you share bits and pieces of your own mental health journey. Like I love that a huge part of your brand is not only like De-stigmatizing mental health, because of how you’re talking about it and showing up but like you talk about yourself, and you share those parts of yourself, which I think is super empowering to other people.
Janelle: Yeah, I mean, therapists struggle too we’re humans, it’s not like we’re immune. And kind of going back to having a therapist, I had that one for a couple of years. And I recently, last year, actually, like, right after the pandemic started, I got back to seeing a therapist, again, for the first time in a couple of years, I had to increase my antidepressants during the pandemic because it was just extra stress that I wasn’t really equipped to manage. And I was like, maybe like a month and a half or so where I just really wasn’t feeling myself. And I feel like a lot of people went through something similar, but a lot of people don’t feel very comfortable talking about it. But when we are open about those kinds of experiences, and because it’s not anything to be ashamed of, I think we’re quiet about it. Because we think that we’re gonna get judgment from somewhere. And fuck the judgment, like, I don’t care if anybody thinks poorly about me for talking about my mental health. Fuck you. That’s how I feel. or whatever, fuck you.
Regina: It’s so true. Well, because also, I feel like people who are judged would be judgmental about, somebody sharing their mental health journey. They’re judgmental about it, because there’s something that they’re not speaking or there’s something that they’re not talking about, and you being honest and open and authentic is just making them feel some kind of way.
Janelle: Yeah, it can be uncomfortable, but I mean, it’s okay to feel what you feel it’s okay to struggle, it’s okay to still be struggling with a pandemic. And I think that obviously, you can gaslight yourself and be like, get over it. It’s been a year already, but it’s still valid. And I think that’s important to remember. Because I think that I still have that come up, even like weekly, I’m like, Oh, this sucks. I want it to be easier to meet up with people in person. And just build on these friendships that I’ve created. And it’s like, your inner talk can be like, well you’re not doing anything, and you’re being antisocial. And you’re staying home and blah blah blah, like, Listen, we’re still in this thing right now. And t doesn’t need to be an excuse for everything, but it is a valid excuse for a lot of things that we’re still currently experiencing.
Regina: We’re still in the thick of it.
Janelle: Yeah. Like, we have no idea when it’s going to end, and obviously, there’s a lot of good things going on with the advancements in science and the different vaccines. I actually got my first shot today and it didn’t even hurt. So proud. Um, but yeah, so I guess there’s a little bit of hope on the other side of that, and we still don’t know how long it’s gonna take for everybody to get their shots. I know that majority of the country hasn’t had that ability yet. And how long will that take? Will it be through the end of the year, like, who knows anymore? So, obviously, we need to adapt, but also still be kind to ourselves for all of the things that aren’t really possible right now, or maybe they’re possible, but a lot of people still aren’t comfortable with getting together being close. And people who haven’t seen people in person for a year, like think about that, like there are people legitimately out there and I’m not one of them. My bad, my bad. But I feel a little bit more comfortable getting a little bit closer. I try to still keep away from people to a certain extent, but avoid large gatherings. But there are people out there that still have not seen people besides the ones in their household for one whole year. And they’re still struggling. So I know that it’s easy to say we’re in this. We should be used to it. But it’s not really realistic, you can still have difficult feelings about something a year after, or even like, 10 years after something difficult happens.
Regina: And also, like, this is like, the way that we’ve been living for the past year is not how we’ve ever lived before, in our whole life. And it’s also how, as humans, like, we seek a need connection to other people. So we’re living in an environment that has literally been a stressor for a year.
Janelle: Yep. And some people can adapt better than others. And that’s a great strength to have. But, there are still some people that are really struggling with all these changes. And I have, a decent amount of ASU students as clients, and I feel like, it’s devastating for them. Imagine a freshman in college, and it’s their first year in college, and they’re super excited to be involved in all these activities, and maybe join a sorority or fraternity, and there’s a lot of things that they don’t get to experience and that they won’t get back. So that’s something I feel like I have a really big soft spot for people having to move around their weddings and people missing graduations. But yeah, like, all of those concerns are very fair. And of course, there are worse things going on in the world. And your problem is not that big, but that’s another way we like gaslight and invalidate ourselves like you’re allowed to be upset for missing something or not having the social life you envisioned. And I want everybody to be able to give themselves permission to take a look at those things. And not give yourself a hard time because nobody anticipated this. And again, we still have no idea when it’s gonna end. And if I hear like unprecedented times, one more time, I feel like I’m gonna bang my head on the wall.
Regina: Well, it’s also like, we all have a different response to things that are stressors in our lives, and somebody might have a stronger ability to respond or adapt than somebody else. So something that might not be traumatic for me might be traumatic for somebody else. And so you have to have compassion. One of my friends and colleagues that I do work with, made a point the other day, he was talking about how he has two really small girls. And they started to raise these girls in this way of, hugging and loving and affection and connecting with strangers. And he said, Now, my kids, it shifted, and they can’t be near people, they can’t touch people. He’s like, me and my wife are so worried, what’s the impact that this is going to have on them as they get older?
Janelle: I mean, who’s to say, but it’s definitely going to impact these kids, for sure. I think that’s another saying that people might have a difficult time looking at and I think when we think about the people who refuse to do any of the recommended things by the CDC and whatnot. And a lot of people I think, can look at that and be very frustrated. And I think that rightfully so because we have these kids who are going to have their development kind of halted because they can’t have all the social interaction and kind of like what you’re saying and the college kids can’t really experience finally moving out of their parents’ house and then being stuck inside and literally not being able to live it up like you were expecting. I actually have a couple of clients, I feel sad because some people were like turning 21 during this. Can you imagine that it’s just like you don’t have the opportunity for things that you might be looking forward to for a really long time? Like obviously, like I already said, as the wedding graduation and turning 21 like, those are big things that you don’t really get back you have to kind of just deal with life as it is and it’s challenging and it’s okay to have a lot of feelings around this.
Regina: Totally. Something that you and I talked about earlier. We were talking about the positive sides of social media and how you have really tapped into social media for your brand for your business for your practice. And you’ve tapped into the beautiful side of it, right, the connection. But before we started filming, I’m recording, there’s a very different toxic side, in social media that you are seeing evolve both personally you’re seeing it and you’re experiencing it with your clients.
Janelle: Yeah, I definitely think the biggest concern is with kids and teens, and having all of these various social media accounts, and a lot of something that I’ve been noticing more and more is how kids will make these anonymous accounts. And sometimes they use it just as a place where they can vent online, that just might be what they know, at the time, like, of course, maybe you could vent in a journal or with a therapist, but if you don’t have access to that, and you don’t know, then you just do what you can to try to get by, so venting online, and just really having all of these anonymous accounts. And what I’ve been seeing is people you also using those anonymous accounts for bad reasons, for evil and I’ve been seeing a lot of so I don’t know if everybody listening has been on Tiktok before, but kind of how it works is like, a lot of these videos if somebody really likes it, it’ll get shot out to as many people possible, and you’ll see videos with like millions of likes, which is not really something that you see on Instagram, it’s a way different world. But with that, and having that comment section open, you leave yourself open to that criticism and judgment. And I’ve definitely seen just a lot of evil and hate and just very, like nasty things that these people are saying to one another, but of course, it’s all of these, mainly, it’s anonymous accounts because nobody wants to be held responsible for the actions of what they say. And I don’t know, what we can really do about it right now. Just I think it’s good to be aware, especially for everybody who has kids and just to be able to know that that’s going on and monitor it. There’s one post that I remember specifically and like this girl had… I didn’t love her haircut, okay, like, it was this thing. And in the front, she was bald, but like, in the back, she had hair and she did it on purpose. And she likes the way she looks right. So for me, the way I look at it, I don’t love your hair, but you love it. So you do you. But when I tell you this post had like 1000s of comments of people either being just plain out rude or kind of like you can still change your mind about your haircut. So like so much hate and like just nastiness. And for what? So think that it’s just important to know that that’s kind of going on. Because I know not everybody’s on that platform and their kids might be. But yeah, it’s definitely been really interesting to watch. And it’s one of those things that super discouraging for me, especially with what I try to share is you can be you and that’s okay, and everybody’s valid and everybody’s worthy. And I’m trying to share these messages of like acceptance and love and then to see that going in like a whole another direction on some of these posts can be really devastating. I’m trying to imagine how this person who’s receiving all of this can deal with that. And I just can’t imagine wanting one of my posts having 1000s of people telling me that I’m terrible. That’s just something that hasn’t really, maybe been this much of a possibility until Tiktok because, like, average people, like for example, it took me years to grow an Instagram following, but in one year only, I have 20,000 Tiktok followers, so it’s way easier to gain a following. And there’s a lot of these kids, like children, not even teenagers yet that have like 1000s of followers. And I’m just thinking about the impact that that has on them as they continue to develop and understand their place in the world and how it works. It’s very interesting, for sure.
Regina: It’s creating an interesting dynamic and how we, as people are learning to communicate. I even a couple of years ago, probably in the past, like 10 years, as kids are getting cell phones younger and younger. They’re learning to communicate through a device or through a third-party thing, right? And so when you’re constantly communicating through An app or a device or a program, it can give you a false sense of not being responsible for the energetic impact of your words, right? Absolutely. And it’s a place where, when we have so many things, like so much hurt, or things we don’t quite understand because we’re young, or things we haven’t processed, it’s like, a semi-anonymous feeling place where we can just kind of let it all out.
Janelle: Yeah, I think that I’m just interested to see what kind of like studies are done about this kind of topic in the future because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to have very good impacts. I think I’ve definitely noticed just people having difficulty having difficult conversations, like avoiding it. It’s the worst thing in the world. But I think what’s worse than having a difficult conversation is continuing to allow things that you don’t want in your life. And people have a very hard time setting boundaries, because that causes them to be in a place where they’re technically, possibly being confrontational. And I think confrontation has this really bad connotation attached to it, where it’s just super negative. But we need to be able to allow ourselves to confront people who are causing us harm in any kind of way, and put something in place to protect ourselves. And you deserve it, you deserve to have people treat you properly and talk to you properly. And all of the things.
Regina: Yeah, all of the things well, and it also has made me as I think about it with people who are younger using technology, it also makes me think about the way that I use technology. And the way I communicate with people like tone can be really confusing and a text message. So I try my best I voice memo a lot. Like, especially with anything like I’m a sarcastic motherfucker, like, and I think I’m funny all the time. I know you’re the same way. So but I never want the tone to be confused. So I heard that Tony Robbins never sends a written email; everything he says is a video or audio, because he always wanted to be clear. And so I’ve taken that in like, I still send some emails, but I try to send if I’m not talking to somebody or face timing with somebody, I try to do audio a lot.
Janelle: Yeah, that’s pretty cool. I like that. I love the voice notes. I’ve been making a conscious effort lately, to just be checking in with more people and just leaving those voice notes like, Hey, I know our schedules have been conflicting. But I’m thinking about you love you. Let me know if there’s anything you need the type of thing. And I think that that’s a really cool tool that everybody can use just to connect with loved ones and friends right now if you might not have the energy to have this huge text message conversation because a lot of people aren’t really talking on the phone anymore. That’s another big change. Yeah, um, but yeah, I love that feature. I think it’s so fun. And it’s way more personable. I think one thing I do on my Instagram, I guess when I have time, is new people that follow me, I try to just use their name and my message and be like, hey, Regina, you just followed me, I really appreciate that. If you ever have any feedback please send me a message or any content requests. And I think that that makes it a little bit more personal. And it’s fun. I have fun doing it.
Regina: I love it. Fun fact, I love to talk on the phone.
Janelle: Yeah, me too. I feel like I could just do that for hours. It’s something that I always did because we had the house phone. If you like to boy back then you had to call them and then you’re like laying down talking about nothing…
Regina: On your portable phone or that makes up the other line. And you’re like, Mom, I’m on the phone.
Janelle: Yeah, stop listening.
Regina: Doesn’t that feel so old?
Janelle: It does, but it wasn’t that long ago. And it’s just wild how much the technology has grown since then. And it’s moving too quickly, even for us to be able to keep up with how it’s all affecting people. But yeah, another thing on kind of that note of social media and having cell phones and texting just causing difficult communication and whatnot. I think that one thing that we have all noticed that has been kind of more prominent, or at least has a name to it now is people ghost the hell out of each other right now. Oh my gosh, I want to talk about this so bad because it’s something that just drives me absolutely nuts. I’m like, would you like to be treated like that? No, then don’t do it. And it’s really as simple as that, that a lot of people don’t know how to communicate. I think it all ties back to: I don’t know how to, I don’t know what I’m feeling. So I don’t know how to talk about what I’m feeling. And also, that makes me in a vulnerable spot. And that’s severely uncomfortable. So I’m just going to avoid you all together and pretend that this never happened. And that is the ultimate disrespect.
Regina: Oh, my gosh. So there are two things that may seemingly don’t go together, but go together in my brain. I think a lot about ghosting and text message conversations. So because we live in a world of texting, people expect other people to be available to them all the time. No, I’m of the school of thought that if I can respond to a text, I will. But I don’t have to respond right now. Like, yeah, I respond, I will respond when I have the ability and the energy to respond. That’s my personal philosophy. But then what happens is, especially in like dating and ghosting, I have like, like ghosting PTSD, from people that disappear. They’re like, there and then they’re gone. Right? Yeah. And so in dating and stuff, if I’m texting with someone, and then I don’t hear from them, I’m like, oh, did they ghost me? Oh, my God, did he ghost me? Did this guy ghost me, like, what’s happening?
Janelle: Yeah, it’s hard. And it only like, makes the people, especially with that anxious attachment style, like way more anxious. And our attachment needs get activated when we’re not having our needs met. So like kind of having that security almost of like, Hey, I’m still here type of thing. And it’s hard to read people. And I totally get like a person that you pretty much just met, a lot of people don’t feel comfortable being super vulnerable. And sharing that, hey, I do get anxious when I don’t hear something for a certain amount of time. But if we’re not talking about it, then we’re not communicating what our needs are. And we’re kind of setting ourselves up for failure and not having our attachment system satisfied. And we just might be perpetually anxious and keep going after those avoidant types. So it’s really difficult.
Regina: Well the guy that I told you I just started dating. I said to him, like, hey, like, if you’re busy, or you have things going on, that’s fine. Will you just say, Hey, I won’t be around for a couple of days. And I said to him, because if you don’t tell me that, then I’m going to start to make up stories in my brain, and then I’m going to drive myself insane.
Janelle: Yeah, I think that is completely acceptable and should be the new norm. And obviously, it’s going to take a long time for us to get that to be the new norm. But it’s okay to tell people a little bit about yourself and who you are, and how you function like, hey, if I don’t hear from you I might start to get really anxious. And that’s not your responsibility. However, if you’re someone who cares for me, you wouldn’t mind doing this little thing to help me out.
Regina: Totally, totally. And I think with ghosting, because I am so conscious of it, It has forced me to have uncomfortable conversations with people, especially in the world of dating, where if I go out with somebody, and it’s just not gonna work, I’ll say to them, like, I thank you for the date. I had a great time. I’m not interested in pursuing anything further. And I forced myself to have those uncomfortable conversations, but I will not ghost someone.
Janelle: Yeah, I think that’s so important. You’re doing good work.
Regina: Well, I’m trying, I’m trying hard.
Janelle: And I’m also curious to see like, what kind of like lasting effects are gonna be coming out of this? I was about to say ghosting generation. Did I just make something up? I probably did. But what are the long-term effects on being ghosted so many times that maybe you had a secure attachment style, and you’re very confident and comfortable with yourself and then all these people are just dropping off like flies in feeling like they don’t need to communicate?
The thing is if you just meet somebody, it’s not that you owe it to them. I think that that’s where people get stuck. Like, I don’t owe them anything. It was one day. I don’t owe them anything. I think that it’s valid. I get that point of view. But challenge yourself for a moment like how would you feel If you took somebody out, and you thought it was really nice, and then you messaged them tried to reach back out and they ignored all of your stuff and then block you on everything. That is very damaging like we’re causing a lot of harm to other people. And obviously, maybe you don’t care too much about that person. And that’s why you don’t want to pursue them, but they’re still human. And I think that there’s that basic decency and respect and even just as something, as very simple as what you share, like Hey, thank you for your time, but I’m not feeling a connection. And I wish you the best of luck. And it doesn’t have to be too in-depth. And it doesn’t have to be anything wild, but just a really small sentence, I think would go a very long way.
Regina: I agree. Everything that we do in life has an energetic ripple effect on the people around us. And we cannot expect other people to be better if we are not better first. We can’t. So girls can’t complain about the fact that they’re getting fucking ghosted. If they’re acting like an asshole and doing the same thing. It has to start with you. And if it doesn’t start with you, you’re just gonna keep perpetuating the cycle.
Alright, so how do our friends find you? How do they connect with you? How do they watch all your Tiktok genius?
Janelle: I am on pretty much every single social platform, including the brand new clubhouse, but I’m @janellehettick. And if you need a therapist, I work at https://www.empoweringyoutherapy.com/ and you can find me there read a bit of my bio. And there’s always an option to book a free 15-minute phone consultation. If you’re not sure on the edge, or just want to get a feel for who I am and how I can help you. I’d be happy to chat.
Regina Lawrence Esq. is a former trial attorney and law school professor turned soulful business & life strategist. She has found that so many entrepreneurs have these brilliant ideas and dreams but don’t know how to take the dream and create a system or structure to make that dream & idea profitable. That is where Regina comes in. With discipline, consistency, systems & structure, we can’t help but create profit & fulfillment from our soul-driven business ideas.
Regina’s approach to coaching marries her background in legal analysis, spirituality, mindset coaching, holistic nutrition, and neuroscience to create an experience that will assist you in getting into alignment, get clear on what you are here to do and what steps and systems to implement to make that dream a profitable reality.
You can find Regina on Instagram @reginaalawrence.